Issue with Implementing a Self Rule that You Won’t Deal with Jerks
In the discussion that followed my book reaction to The No Asshole Rule, one reader commented that he was implementing a personal “no asshole policy” to remove jerks from his life. I fully support the move, but I have an unresolved question: is it possible to remove assholes from your life without being a jerk yourself? Or, do the ends of removing an asshole justify your aggression?
The book does not address this philosophical conflict, and the author seems to encourage revenge when dealing with assholes: “bide your time until just the write moment comes to pay back your local jerk for all the abuse you’ve endured, and exact some sweet revenge” (149). The author even shares a payback story where an abused radio producer left a box of chocolates (baked with a laxative) on her desk as bait for an asshole that routinely ate her food without permission. Oh, did she get her sweet revenge.
I laughed at the laxative story, but I also felt uneasy reading it. I do hope there are better ways to solve problems than revenge. I even called the site “mind your decisions” to emphasize that self-improvement is more important than changing and harming others. If you apply your mind, you don’t need to be a heartless jerk to have good financial decisions. Just have a good understanding that personal finance is not about money and you are well on your way to success.
There are a few times things worked out nicely for me removing assholes. In those occasions, either I or the jerk was moving out of town. I kept my cool until one of us left, and then let geographic and social distance take its own course. When I do get in touch with these people years later, I have forgotten much about the conflict, and usually both of us have changed and forgotten why there was conflict to begin with. Amazing what time can do.
But I’ll admit those are the rare times. I mostly remember times that I’ve been a jerk to end things that weren’t working out. I still think about some of these failures, and have always felt there must have been a better way. But while it happened and to this day I can’t figure out a better way. I keep thinking the ends justified the means, or as one reader put it, it was for “the greater good.”
What is your take on being a jerk to remove an asshole? Are there times when that’s the only way?
4 Responses to “Issue with Implementing a Self Rule that You Won’t Deal with Jerks”
That is a really interesting question. My opinion is, if you are implementing a “no asshole rule” you cannot be an asshole. I think the best way to deal with these assholes is to not strike conversation with them. If and when they speak to you, go ahead and tell them they are right and you agree, no matter how wrong they are.
In a sense this is telling a white lie to avoid conflict, but if that is what you need to do to not be an asshole than so be it. Assholes aren’t worth your time of day, so don’t give them the privilege of hearing your true thoughts or beliefs.
By Ryan Healy on Aug 27, 2007
@Ryan: I like your idea of misleading assholes to cut the conversation short. Assholes usually persist until they both get you angry and get you to admit they are right. Your approach anticipates their goal and is a great non-violent protest.
By Presh on Aug 27, 2007
I want a mathematical take on the inadvertent elimination of assholes, as my personal experience is that any assholes I meet end up being slowly phased out of my life with little actual effort.
By Joon on Sep 6, 2007
@Joon: I’m not sure what you mean by “mathematical take,” but here’s my best effort.
I sort of view eliminating assholes like selling a bad investment. It hurts since you have a history and you’ve generally invested time or money, but it’s best to put your efforts in things that give higher returns.
By Presh on Sep 6, 2007