Can you stop a jerk without becoming one yourself?
In the discussion that followed my book reaction to The No Asshole Rule, one reader commented that he was implementing a personal “no asshole policy” to remove jerks from his life. I fully support the move, but I have an unresolved question: is it possible to remove assholes from your life without being a jerk yourself? Or, do the ends of removing an asshole justify your aggression?
The book does not address this philosophical conflict, and the author seems to encourage revenge when dealing with assholes: “bide your time until just the write moment comes to pay back your local jerk for all the abuse you’ve endured, and exact some sweet revenge” (149). The author even shares a payback story where an abused radio producer left a box of chocolates (baked with a laxative) on her desk as bait for an asshole that routinely ate her food without permission. Oh, did she get her sweet revenge.
I laughed at the laxative story, but I also felt uneasy reading it. I do hope there are better ways to solve problems than revenge. I even called the site “mind your decisions” to emphasize that self-improvement is more important than changing and harming others. If you apply your mind, you don’t need to be a heartless jerk to have good financial decisions. Just have a good understanding that personal finance is not about money and you are well on your way to success.
There are a few times things worked out nicely for me removing assholes. In those occasions, either I or the jerk was moving out of town. I kept my cool until one of us left, and then let geographic and social distance take its own course. When I do get in touch with these people years later, I have forgotten much about the conflict, and usually both of us have changed and forgotten why there was conflict to begin with. Amazing what time can do.
But I’ll admit those are the rare times. I mostly remember times that I’ve been a jerk to end things that weren’t working out. I still think about some of these failures, and have always felt there must have been a better way. But while it happened and to this day I can’t figure out a better way. I keep thinking the ends justified the means, or as one reader put it, it was for “the greater good.”
What is your take on being a jerk to remove an asshole? Are there times when that’s the only way?
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