The Financially Responsible Way to Deal with Anger

How do you treat people that make you angry? I used to let it out verbally, often raising my voice at incompetent customer support agents. And when I won, I would brag about it.

My behavior, though rude, was admired and accepted. Financial people and winners are supposed to get angry and show it. For instance, leaders are taught to yell, scream, and pound on desks occasionally to prove a point (example: Donald Trump). Other outward signs of anger are also accepted. Athletes, bloggers, and drivers are notorious for voicing out anger and using obscene gestures.

Such behavior is encouraged as early as kindergarten, through the old adage “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” But there’s a problem with all of this.

Anger isn’t responsible, or even necessary

I enjoyed winning when I used anger, but I was never happy about it. I felt terrible ruining someone else’s day. My own body rejected the behavior, raising my blood pressure and leaving me agitated. I felt like I’d get a heart attack any day.

So I had to stop my behavior. I quickly learned you can win in other ways. If a customer support agent wasn’t helping, I would just persist and start asking them how they could help me. Since I was offering them kindness and patience—something most customers didn’t give them—they often returned the favor by giving me larger discounts or better solutions than I initially sought. At the end of a call, we both left relaxed and felt happy to help each other out. I guess you can attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

My experience has made me realize the financially responsible way to deal with anger is exactly the same as the socially responsible way. It’s about being considerate and walking in another person’s shoes. Or, as the XIV Dalai Lama eloquently defines it:

Universal responsibility is feeling for other peoples’ suffering just as we feel for our own. It is the realization that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness. We must recognize that all human beings want the same thing we want.

[qtd. in Dr. Dean Ornish's Program for Reversing Heart Disease]

Just say no

Anger is a costly force. I’ve heard many managers spend 10 to 20 percent of their time dealing with workplace conflict. Things like low morale and low productivity are often the result of a few angry workers, though usually it’s racked up to some other cause.

Take steps to reduce anger in your own life. Your path will be personal, but I’ll share my own for reference. I work through anger by using prevention. I know that I am likely to remain calm if I make sure that I get a full night’s rest, do 30 minutes of walking, and eat well-balanced meals. When a conflict arises, I try to diffuse the anger from the source by exhausting all possible solutions. Finding even the smallest of common grounds–like something you both like or dislike–opens up trust and starts a mutual resolution.

For more information, particularly on using this advice in a workplace setting, I suggest Robert Sutton’s book The No Asshole Rule. Sutton argues that business can be better off by excluding assholes entirely, even the all-star divas.

Get it from the library or add it to your reading list: