How much does your girlfriend cost?

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning–Aristotle Onassis

Friday night was ending, and we asked our friend what we owed. He replied, “Don’t worry about it guys—it’s so little that it’s on me. This is nothing compared to a normal Friday night when I take Jenny out.”

It turned out my friend was spending a lot being in this relationship. There were dinners out, movies, and random gifts, among other expenses.

How much was this relationship costing him? More generally, how much does a girlfriend cost?

(Or if the roles are reversed, how much does your boyfriend cost?)

Avoiding wishful thinking

I suspect many people would rather avoid this topic. A relationship is hard work as it is. Why worry about money? Why let money be another obstacle?

I’ll let you decide for yourself. But for my money’s worth, this willful ignorance is a mistake. No one is trying to put a price on your relationship. It is only a matter of learning more about your money, and let’s be honest, relationships can be a big component of that.

If you ignore it now, what often happens is you suffer twice. You still endure the costs and you are surprised about your lack of savings months or years later. Much better in my opinion to know about it early on and learn to live with it. So in that regard, it’s good to be honest with yourself.

Some costs of a relationship

Each relationship is unique. I asked around and my friends graciously shared some of their relationship stories—only on the condition I keep it anonymous. Below are a couple of stories, which perhaps you can relate to.

–The social butterfly
“I spent a lot on gifts for my relationship. And hey, don’t get me wrong—I actually enjoy buying gifts for my girlfriend. She always gets so happy, even though I secretly despise all this compulsory gifting. What bothers me is that I also have to buy gifts for a bunch of people I find annoying. My girlfriend is a social butterfly. She knows everyone. I hate having to buy wine for dinner parties with insufferable hosts. I hate having to buy a birthday present for her annoying girl friends. I never would have thought about all these unsaid obligations. And that’s what gets me, probably on the order of $100 a month.”

–The long-distance relationship
“My girlfriend is in another state. I spend most of my money on airfare and travel related expenses, like a dog-sitter while I’m away. It probably costs me about $400 a month.”

–The frequent diner
“When I was single, I would cook most of my dinners on Friday and Saturday. Now I find myself more likely to be trying out the new Asian fusion restaurant, which let me tell you, doesn’t come cheap. Rather than spending $10 to make a gourmet meal at home, I find myself spending $40 for the joy of ‘going out.’ It’s not that I don’t enjoy these restaurants, but it’s certainly more than I expected. And now I’m often paying for two! It’s got to cost me about $250 extra a month for all these meals”

I’m sure you have some stories of your own. If you’d like, please share in the comments below. For now, let’s consider a more general approach.

Estimating the cost numerically

I am unaware of any economic studies regarding the cost of a girlfriend. But there just so happens to be a study regarding the cost of a marriage. The answer is about 10 percent.

This statistic comes from a well-known study from the Social Science Research Council. The study uncovered that in the year following a divorce, men’s living standards increase by 10 percent. You may read more about this in the fun article Why Men Pay to Stay Married.

The point is that from a male perspective, a relationship might cost on the order of 10 percent.

We can think about this in the following way. If a guy could have a $50,000 living standard as a bachelor, then he might settle for something around $45,000 as a married man. The $5,000 he is missing out on—perhaps a home theater—could be interpreted as the cost of his wife. It’s money he is spending on her, letting her spend, or not earning because he’s in a marriage. There is something going on to explain why men are paying to stay in a marriage–they are likely happy to do this!

(As a matter of trivia, the situation is not symmetric for women. In the year following a divorce, women’s living standards decrease by 27 percent. So women pay to get out of marriage.)

Naturally these averages are illustrative but not meaningful on an individual level. How might you go about figuring the cost of a girlfriend?

Expense tracking

To learn more about your situation, all it takes is a little diligence. The answer can be found by doing something as simple as writing down all of your relationship expenses. Regular readers know that I am a big fan of tracking expenses. Tracking expenses is the simplest way to know exactly where your money is going and figure out ways to stick to good financial habits.

There are websites that do this for you. But I find the most reliable method is doing it myself.

I make available a free budget spreadsheet and expense tracker on this site. You can find the file as the first spreadsheet listed in the Money Spreadsheets section of this site. You can not only use this spreadsheet to find the cost of your girlfriend, but you can also use it to track taxes or your salary or mortgage payments, and more.

To calculate the cost of a girlfriend, you may wish to create a new category “girlfriend” and itemize your expenses accordingly. I suggest you do this for at least one month to get a sensible estimate of the true cost. One year is probably even better to account for seasonality and anniversary spending. Or you may simply input expenses normally and then aggregate girlfriend expenses later.

I am immensely curious about your estimates, so please share something about your results if you are so inclined (anonymous comments are allowed and encouraged).

Tips and questions

I am also interested in this topic to get ideas on how to reduce spending. My friend was quick to offer two suggestions.

First, he says that gifts work best with spending limits. This avoids both escalation and asymmetric expectations. Plus, the limit can be set reasonably low and creativity can make up for the rest. His relationship has always had happy gift exchanges.

Second, he says it’s possible to cut costs by being the couple that organizes events. It is cheaper for them to have friends over for dinner, and pay for all the food, than to go out as a couple to meet someone for dinner. Another instance they saved money is when they organized a group skydiving excursion, and being the organizers, one of them got to participate for free.

I am sure you have some tips to offer. And I have many questions, so I’m hoping you’ll give some feedback both to help me and others in relationships.

What are your biggest expenses in a relationship? What are expenses that surprised you? What advice do you have for someone who’s entering their first relationship?

If you have a long-distance relationship, is transportation your largest cost? Have you ever doubted your relationship due to financial inconvenience?

What are your tips for saving?